Couples therapy is often brought up, when the issues have gotten so big, there’s no ignoring them or resolving them in one conversation.
So when you bring it up, as a real way to work on those issues, it can feel pretty devastating when your partner refuses to come.
Something I have observed when working with adults who are struggling in their marriage, is the refusal to go to couples therapy, doesn’t necessarily mean your partner doesn’t care about the relationship, it can mean that they are trying to protect themselves. What they are actually afraid of.
Taking Sides
Your partner may be terrified that if they walk into the office of a stranger, talk for an hour, the therapist could very well be on your side. Obviously having two people sitting in front of you, telling you you’re not pulling your weight in your relationship, may force you to acknowledge the truth. Many partners will not touch that with a 10 foot pole.
Feeling Shame
For a lot of people, pointing out where the relationship is struggling, means they have failed. Nobody wants to admit that they may have royally screwed up their marriage. If your partner feels like their actions will be the main focus of conversation, they will likely to avoid going.
Pressure To Change
Having to do the work, to make your relationship better, is going to take a strong commitment from your partner to change their perspective and role in the relationship. Your partner may be unable or unwilling to make strong enough changes to make a difference in the relationship.
Previous Beliefs
You may have heard, “My family doesn’t do therapy.” or “Mental health doesn’t exist” from your partner. Maybe your partner grew up in a home where feelings were a weakness, or a mental health diagnosis meant you were “crazy.” Partners who have no desire to look inward, are rarely good candidates for therapy.
Just because your partner doesn’t want to come to couples therapy, it doesn’t mean that your relationship is hopeless. If you’re open to therapy, then don’t let your partner’s resistance keep you from learning tools that can help you improve your relationship, and break communication patterns that have been disruptive to your relationship.
In graduate school, over a decade ago, I read an article titled, “It takes one to tango.” describing how to improve a relationship, by working with one partner. By changing your side of the conversation, you can change your partner’s responses.
At Kindred Counseling, I offer Individual Relationship Counseling for the partners who are willing to do the work. I help clients identify the negative communication patterns in their relationship, unmet wants and needs, and uncertainty about the future if things stay the same.
If you are the only one who is trying to make it work, you’re not alone. Please reach out to schedule your first appointment.
If you have any questions send me a message!
